ten days into the new year and, well, there are no big distractions to keep me from trying to figure out the answer to my big existential question of the past year or so:  now what?

the saints are out of the playoffs, and i don’t frankly care who wins the superbowl from here on out, though part of me feels like it might be kinda fun to root for the big underdogs who beat our asses, seattle. the pure joy and excitement on the faces of the seahawks’ fans and players after our game ended last weekend reminded me of us last year.

and yes, it is carnival season now… but we’ve got a long slog until the first parade (krewe du vieux, on the 19th of february!). now that 12th night is over, there’s not much for us common folk who aren’t in a krewe to partake in carnival-wise until then. (aside from eating our body weight in king cake.)

so i suppose it’s time to get my brain out of holiday mode and start trying to figure out this next chapter of my life.

i wish it would be as easy as my horoscope says it’s supposed to be. susan miller says all the strife i’ve been having with money for years and years is supposed to ease up and get better. and in fact, i was supposed to come into some large sum of money just a few days ago! but alas, this has not happened yet. i keep waiting, but so far, nada. i mean, i got a couple of orders on etsy out of the blue… but come on. that’s hardly a windfall! in fact, if anything, things have gotten worse this month so far because all the holiday shopping frenzy is over. even things with magicmonkey have even slowed down as nita gets some work done in her house.

i won’t hold my breath on money falling from the sky.

so i guess it’s time to start polishing up the old resume (as if i actually have one!) and throwing it out into the world to see if it can get me anywhere. i’m still a little torn between trying to find some type of professional or career-y track type job that would pay nicely and possibly stimulate me intellectually in some way (though what would that be? see, the same old problems crop up because i still don’t know the answer to that question)… or just finding some kind of mindless menial job that pays enough to help me pay the bills but doesn’t tax me brain-wise or emotionally. might be fun to just work and play and have fun for a change.

god, i’m tired of thinking about all of it. i just want to have said job, whatever it is, and work hard and get paid and stop being stressed about having enough money to live on. in some ways, i sort of don’t really care what it ends up being. i just need it to happen. something. anything. some movement. some activity. i need to get out there. get out of my house. be around people. be a normal person. work. (i make a really good workaholic, actually, when given the chance.)

why is this so hard for me? no really. i really don’t understand it. i am not a stupid person. i am not generally a scared person. i am not afraid of people. or of work. i have done all kinds of work in my life. i’m pretty open to whatever work comes my way. i just want to feel useful. productive. participating in society. i want to have a life outside these four walls and my cats. i’m tired of working alone in my house.

that is my intention. i’m naming it. this is what i want for my new year. something new and different. simple, really.

wanna hire me?

🙂

but seriously. i wanna crowd-source this shit. if you know of any openings, gimme a holler. the only thing i’m not really terribly interested in is service industry. a) i don’t have any experience, and b) i think i’d suck at it. not motivated there. but i’m good at all kinds of other things. (here’s the closest thing to a resume that i have online, my linkedin profile. it doesn’t have a lot of the little side job things like dog-walking/pet-sitting that i’ve done but does have most of my “professional” experience.)

thanks y’all.